America's Got Talent Quarterfinals

The King of All Judging Tables
Updated with Results 7/19 
We're past the auditions in which America proved they don't have much talent. Now, the acts picked by the judges are showing us how weird their talents actually are. It's a bit of a train-wreck and we love it, because it was Tuesday's most-watched show with 10.2 million viewers.

Best? Howard Stern, as usual. Always the voice of reason.
Worst? Most of the acts. I'll break it down...

1. The Untouchables
OK, these ballroom kids are good... beyond good! Their coaches were the leaders of last year's Miami All-Stars. If you thought those grown-ups were good dancers, get ready to have your mind blown. Such professionals. The technique is there, they're in perfect synch, the energy level, the lines... perfection! Also, does that little boy, D'Angelo, seem familiar? He won Paula Abdul's short-live dance show 'Live to Dance'.

Prediction: They'll be through to the next round. No doubt.
Results: IN

2. Rockstar Juggler Mike Price
The only thing that could sorta' make him a rockstar is that rock music is playing while he's juggling. Nothing else. Would you watch a 1-hour Vegas show of a guy juggling? No? Me neither.
Prediction: Bye Bye Mike!
Results: OUT
Not only do they look ridiculous.
They sound ridiccc, too.

3. Inspire The Fire
You know Glee right? Well, imagine Glee formed with African-American grownups -minus the good singing plus lots of cheese. This is what this is. 
Prediction: If they make it through, I'll jump of my balcony. That's how sure I am they won't make it. (Also, I don't have a balcony)
Results: OUT

4. Cristin Sandu
I was rooting for the Russian kid, I have to say. Cristin does something very weird yet entrancing circus stuff. He balances in a pile of moving round objects that looks like it's about to crumble down even as it's beginning to be formed. It's pretty scary. When he does pull it off, it is amazing to look at. When he doesn't pull it off, it's sad... like yesterday. With no time to pile it all up, he stood there looking depressed not looking forward to facing his very strict dad (Pure assumption). 
Prediction: He'll be enrolling in the next semester of med school.
Results: OUT

24-year-old, Elusive.
5. Elusive
The sob story is there. Hearing-impaired breakdancer with a love for music. He's cute, too. He might be able to rack up some votes from the teenage population. Is the talent there? Umm.. He's an OK b-boy. Nothing we haven't seen before. I'll tell you this. On So You Think You Can Dance, he wouldn't make it through straight to Vegas. 
Prediction: Sorry, Elusive. (I hope that's not his real name)
Results: OUT

6. Jake Wesley Rogers
15-year-old kid from Ozark, Missouri. Singer. He took on Britney Spear's 'Toxic'. The arrangement was all sorts of dark and crazy. Didn't seem a great fit for his quirky-cute persona. The singing? Not strong enough.
Prediction: Nope.
Results: OUT

7. All Wheel Sports
Simultaneous talent show-offs.
It's an all wheel sports act -except everything you see is not on wheels, so the name confuses me. There are acrobats, dancers, guys on bikes, trampolines, girls in booty shorts. You name it - they have it. Actually, I was really entertained by this act. According to the judges and the crowd, it's an act that doesn't quite translate on TV because there's so much going on at the same time. In person, they say it looks more cohesive. I'll take their word on this one.
Prediction: Safe.
Results: IN (Judges decision -against Wordspit)

8. Wordspit and the Illest
NOW we're talking! The older demographic must have been appalled. I am sure. The older demographic in the judging panel was apalled, too (Howie and Sharon!) However, Howard 'The Voice of Reason' Stern praised the young musicians. Howie and Sharon said doing an original song would hurt them in voting. Although that might be true, I'll tell you this: When they look back at this, if they would have done some sort of Top 40 song cover and got eliminated, they would have felt like idiots. When these guys look back at this 5 years from now, after having done their original, they'll be like "Hey, it's OK, we got eliminated from AGT, but got booked for Coachella the following year". Yes, that's how cool they were.
Prediction: I love them. Hopefully, they're not TOO cool for America.
Results: OUT (Judges Decision. Howard Stern voted yes. Sharon and Howie voted for All Wheel Sport. Apparently, too cool for some of the judges)
Dry wit. Count me in.
9. Jacob Williams
This comedian is just so depressing and sad to look at... and that's what makes him absolutely hilarious. His skits are constant jabs at himself. He's awkward and weird and so so funny. The material for this particular skit wasn't as strong as I've seen him do before, but if America appreciates funny- they'll appreciate Jacob.
Prediction: YES
Results: IN

10. All Beef Patty
Drag queen. Nick Cannon said she looked like a big Nicki Minaj. That was accurate. The performance featured half-naked men (shocker!). The singing is subpar. 
Prediction: Sorry, lady... er.. Sir.
Results: OUT

11. Spencer Horsman
The poor man's David Blaine. Spencer is an escape artist. Before, he has done some things that had me at the edge of my couch. This time around, he had 45 seconds to escape some sort of box with lots of locks. He escaped and still had 15 seconds left on the clock. We didn't want to see him fall in that bed of needles, but escaping 15 seconds before the time is up is not exciting.
Oh, look, lights!
Prediction: He won't escape elimination.
Results: OUT

12. Lightwire Theater
Remember Team Illuminate which finished third on AGT's 6th season? Well, this is just like that... but they're not the first to do it, so it's boring.

Prediction: I don't see the coolness in these lights-in-the-dark acts anymore, but the judges gave them a Standing O. I'm torn.
Results: IN